Letters From the Heart
Questionnaire Results
Dear Mom, I’ve Always Wanted You to Know
Daughters Share Letters From the Heart
Penguin Group April 2005
1. Do you want your real name
to be used with your letter?
__ Y __N If NO, write your pseudonym here:
___________________________
2. If your mom is still alive, did you give your letter to her?
__ Y __N If YES, tell us what happened as a result of your
letter. Your heartfelt comments may be used in the concluding
chapter of the book and/or on the website
www.LettersfromtheHeartProject.com (Please answer on a separate
sheet of paper.)
3. Even if your mom never received your letter or if she has
passed on, how did writing it affect you and others in your
life? (Please answer on a separate sheet of paper.)
4. What ”empowering message” that stayed with you through the
letter-writing process do you want to convey to readers around
the world?
***This questionnaire was given to the participants that are in
the book. The results (below this summary) are awe-inspiring.
Approximately 90% of the women did not give their letters to
their mothers. All of the women, whether they gave the letter to
their mother or not, felt that the most important part of the
process was to have resolution and heal within. Giving their
letters to their mothers was secondary. Among the writers, 40%
of their mothers had passed away. Overall, the writers felt
grateful that they could communicate with their mothers (even if
their mothers were deceased) in their true, distinct voices. For
these daughters, all of them believed that their mothers heard
what they said and felt more connected than ever before. Most
were surprised by the positive results they received from
writing their letters. All the writers had inspiring words of
wisdom to impart to the world. Many had wished they realized the
importance of resolution before their mother passed away.
Nevertheless, they felt more at peace and freer because of the
letter writing process. It shows all of us that this is another
beginning to opening up the heart.
Heather Larson, Tacoma WA
2) My mother is deceased.
3) Although I never had a good
relationship with my mother while she was alive, I feel that I
have a great one with her now that she has passed on. For almost
two years after she died, I kept up a one-sided correspondence
with her. Often I wanted to call her on the phone and tell her
something that had happened to me or my children or talk to her
about someone I had seen that we both knew. Because I couldn’t
call her, I turned to the computer and told her the news. I
always felt she read what I wrote.
Writing the letter gave me some
much-needed closure to our mother-daughter relationship. When my
thoughts and feelings were put down in black and white, I
realized she did the best she could with what she knew at the
time. I realized she loved me in her own way and I no longer
feel bitter about the relationship we had while I was growing up
or even when I was an adult. I can now concentrate on the happy
times we had together and not worry about the negatives.
Because I’ve put the negatives
behind me, but also learned from them, I can be a better mother
to my children, a better grandmother, and a better partner.
Although I haven’t shared this letter with my partner or my
children, I know they are reaping the benefits of the insight I
gained writing it.
4) It is never too late to
forgive. I know my mom did the best she could and that she
really did love me.
Carolyn Piper, Vermont
2) She is not alive.
3) It is never ever too late to
reconnect to those who are dear to us, and despite rocky paths
in a relationship, making the effort to do the hard work to
achieve closure is well worth it. Pain, whether emotional or
physical, is usually there for a reason. It tells us something
is wrong and needs correcting.
Krina Ulmer, British Columbia,
Canada (Sister of Cheryl Forbes – below)
2) No, I think writing this
letter was more for me than for her. It was a sounding board
which helped shed light on darkened areas of my life and helped
me to resolve or at least recognize the conflicting feelings I
have regarding my mother.
3) Since going through the
process of writing this letter, the landscape of my life has
begun to change. Having released many pent-up feelings and
thoughts, I have found it much easier to open up and invite my
mother back into my physical life. She came for Christmas, she
has been coming to visit her grandchildren in my home, things
which I never would have been able to handle before. Having read
the letter, my husband is also more willing to allowing my
mother access to our lives and to exploring a friendlier
relationship with her. Most profound is, perhaps, the naming of
our newest daughter after my mother—an action that has come as
an enormous surprise to both she and I. I have become more
connected not only to my mother but to where I come from, to my
history, to my family, to my own evolution as a person. My
sister and I have also forged deeper bonds of sisterhood, a
better understanding of who we are and why we can have such
different perspectives on familiar situations.
4) Mothers are the architects
of our childhoods, for good or bad, in spirit or flesh; however,
they should not be the masters of our adult lives.
Cheryl L. Forbes, Canada (Krina
Ulmer’s sister - above)
2) Yes, my mother is still
alive. No, I did not give the letter to her.
3) The moment I sent my letter
to the Letters From the Heart Project, I called my sister on the
telephone. I wanted to see if she had done hers yet. I could
hardly wait to hear what she thought of mine. We had made a
commitment to enter the Project but did not want to share one
another’s letters in case it interfered with our individual
feelings, thoughts, or ideas. After the deadline for the
contest, we exchanged our entries and talked for two hours on
the phone. I learned things about her I never knew and she
learned new details about certain events she only knew from the
eyes of a young child. We cried for each other’s pain; we
laughed at how we each described the emotional highs, lows, and
sometimes we got very angry. In the end, we said good-bye,
cleansed and more closely bonded to one another’s heartbeats
than ever before.
By writing this letter, an
entire garden of new strength and grounding blossomed inside of
me. I called my mother a week after talking to my sister. I had
not spoken to my mom, nor seen her, for three years. I called
her totally out of the blue while I was making supper for my
children one evening. I remember saying, “Hi Mom… it’s me,”
speechless and overjoyed. She never asked why it had been so
long; she never yelled at me for any hurt I must have caused
her; we simply just started from that moment. I let her talk to
each of my children on the phone and gave her a tiny snapshot of
my life with four young children, my wonderful husband, and I
told her that she in fact was the “Oma” and always will be. This
one phone call filled years of loneliness for her and began a
long-awaited opportunity for her to be Grandma.
Since then, we talk on the
phone every few weeks, and she drove out to visit for a week. I
was once completely taken off guard with how wonderful our time
was together. I told her about what I wrote in the letter. She
liked being described as music or as a kite diving through the
sky. I asked her questions about her life now and how was it
different from then. I told her of the immense hurts that came
from certain moments for both my sister and I. And for the first
time in my memory, my mother simply gave me explanations, not
excuses. I was amazed at our instant connection as two women,
not as a mother and a daughter. We have since taken the 1000
kilometers trek to visit her, allowing one-on-one time with her
grandchildren. We will continue to visit and keep in touch. I
can confidently say we have a new life, a new friendship, and
new respect for one another.
Thank you for this lifetime gift I have received from the
opportunity to write about my journey with my mother from
childhood to adulthood to motherhood.
4) I have always kept a journal
but I never organized my feelings in a timeline before. This
experience was overwhelmingly powerful. It allowed me to
understand where my hurt began, how it grew, what I did to self
preserve. Most importantly, it allowed me to resolve issues
outside of myself. I challenge every woman who is hurting to
write a letter. It will definitely change everything for the
better.
Savannah Latamy, Florida
2) My mother is still alive.
No, I did not give the letter to her.
3) It felt good to tell Mom,
even if I knew that she’d never read it, that I have risen above
the bad memories of my childhood. Yes, those memories still hurt
but I’m gathering different memories of the time I spend with
her now. It doesn’t matter if she ever acknowledges her
responsibility or not – I have accepted the job of creating our
future. One day at a time, month after month, year after year, I
change how I look at her. She’s losing her frightful power and
becoming someone I love.
The letter did something else
for me too. I can’t tell you how sweet a feeling it has been to
answer the doorbell and receive my prize flower—given to me in
recognition for my entry. All of my life, I was told I’d never
amount to anything and to shut up. With the contest, I received
affirmation that what I thought did matter. It was important
enough to be shared with others. I have a voice. Finally.
Thank you for helping me to
recognize my own self worth.
4) No matter how old we get,
there is always time for forgiveness, and time to build a new
relationship based on the present.
Elizabeth Kipka, Minnesota
(Teenager)
2) Yes, my mother was truly
touched by the letter I wrote to her. She felt that my letter
showed a lot of gratitude for all of her help during my trial.
3) Writing this letter was a
way of letting out my true feelings and emotions that I needed
to let go of, so I could start the healing process. It also was
a way of drawing both my mother and me even closer. I have a lot
more respect and I appreciate my mother in ways that I haven’t
before. It was my mother who made a lot of sacrifices to help me
during my time of need and I hope that, some day, I can show my
gratitude in a much bigger way. Writing this letter was just a
glimpse of how appreciative I am to her for all of her love and
support.
4) I want others to know that
the relationship you have with your family, especially your
mother, is very important. It’s the ones you love who are going
to stick by you through the good times as well as the tough
times. No matter what you do or what you say, a mother’s love
will help you find the way. Love is what will bring you through,
and one of the most special kinds of love comes from your
mother. Always remember that your mother is a precious gift, a
treasure; she’s a wonderful gift from God.
Louise Fairchild, Philippines
2) My mother is still alive.
No, I did not give the letter to her.
3) Writing the letter has
helped me realize just how important my family is to me. One
doesn’t stop being her parents’ child when she grows up or even
when she leaves her parents’ house. The bond will always be
there.
And even the hardest of parents
will somehow know when something is bothering or hurting their
children, and children will always long for a home that is
filled with warmth, love, and respect.
4) Parents can never be forever
deaf or blind to the concerns of their children. They will
always somehow know what ails us, what makes us sad, what breaks
our heart, what burdens our soul…And God knows these things,
too. He does listen to our prayers.
Gerri Scharf, Florida
2) My mother is still alive.
No, I did not give the letter to her.
4) How emotionally wealthy one
is if they realize the richness of a loving mother.
Cynthia Heidecker, Texas
1) Mother is not alive
2) This helped me share
feelings about my mom and events I never spoke about. My
feelings now are that I was able to say “thank you, Mom” and I
know she knows.
3) That no matter what kind of
handicap or setbacks we might face, we can be successful in
life. Parents are a big role in this success and we should
always feel blessed to have the parents God gave us.
Elizabeth Tish, New York
2) Yes, I gave the letter to my
mother.
3) My mother and I wrote
several letters back and forth to each other while I was in
therapy; this was one of the early ones and it wasn’t well
received. Most of her replies to my letters would come back
angry and defensive, as though I had attacked her. Our
relationship was pretty rocky during most of the three years I
was in therapy because, finally, in my mid 30s, I was starting
to claim my life for myself and she perceived that as a
rejection of her. Of course, that wasn’t true, but it didn’t
change the fact that she was hurt and angry with me for quite a
while, and that we argued a lot.
Toward the end of my therapy,
she was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer, heart disease, and
stroke. Within a two-month period, she had three major
surgeries, one of them an emergency triple bypass. I spent a
number of weeks taking care of her. I’d like to say it smoothed
things out between us, but it didn’t. What it did do is prove to
me that I really was an adult now. I could not only stand on my
own two feet, but I could be an advocate for and caregiver to
somebody I’d always seen as an authority figure. The best thing
that came out of it, however, was that my mom finally started to
find and make friends of her own, friends who really came
through for her when she needed them most. I think that might
have shocked her as much as it delighted me. She’s been
cancer-free for five years now and while we’re not “enmeshed”
anymore, we’re close—not like we once were, but like two adults:
mother and adult daughter, rather than mother and child.
Patricia Ann Huber, California
2) My mother is still alive.
No, I did not give the letter to my mother.
3) Writing the letter was a
catharsis, a letting go of negativity and the sense that my life
is preordained to go in the same direction. I feel mother was
cheering me on to break the pattern and live in the light. Good
friends are happy for me.
4) Despite the pain of living
with an alcoholic mother, I can see beyond to my real mother.
The brilliant, sensitive woman with so many talents. I write a
new script, one that tells the truth of love.
Helen Chen, Minnesota
2) My mother is not alive.
3) My mom passed away suddenly.
There were so many things that I wanted to tell her but didn’t.
After I heard about this project, twice, I tried to write the
letter but ended up crying the whole night without putting a
single word down. Finally, I took a day off from work and wrote
my letter that day. After I finished it, for a long time, I lay
on the floor. I couldn’t think or move as if my soul had left
me.
When I finally got up from the
floor, I had this re-born feeling and somehow I knew that my
mother had received and responded to my letter. After writing
the letter, I was able to let her go at last. And somehow I was
assured that she would never leave me no matter what.
4) It’s never too late for
having a heart-to-heart talk with your mother. Still, the
sooner, the better.
Patricia A. Pape, Illinois
2) My mother is not alive.
3) Trust the relationship.
Speak your truth.
Isabel Sanchez, Florida
2) She is alive. I did not give
the letter to her.
3) It helped me come to terms
with hidden feelings.
4) Get your feelings out and on
paper. Even if you never tell your mother, you will understand
yourself better.
Cheetah Moring, Washington
State
2) My mother is still alive. I
did not give the letter to her.
3) This whole letter-writing
process has made me more aware of emotions I was previously
unable to put into words. I’d like to say that my fear of
confronting my mother with my letter is gone, but it still
lingers with the undelivered letter. I am still trying to figure
out if the letter could help my relationship with my mom. Right
now, I’m happy that it has helped me to externalize all that I
held in for so many years. My mom knows she’s not perfect. I am
not sure I have to remind her. The effect of writing the letter
for myself has been one of clarity, release, and reflection.
Thanks so much.
4) Parent-child relationships
give the word “complex” a whole new meaning. Love can be
interwoven with many other emotions and we must recognize that
this is the fabric of our lives.
Lois Sorkin, Illinois
2) My mother is alive. I have
not given the letter to her. She is too frail, too seriously
impaired. I believe she comprehends more than she is able to
express, and I try to keep my conversation light. When I visit
her in the nursing home, I tell her she looks pretty today. I
tell her how good it is to see her. I tell her Gillian had a
baby or Janet made her a valentine or Marty sends his love. She
recognizes the names and responds with a smile and a light in
her eyes. Once in a while, she surprises me with a verbal
response: “That’s wonderful” or “Terrific!” When I told her that
her grandson had gotten married, her reaction was “Wow!” Some
days she says nothing, but other days her voice
reverberates—albeit a little weakly—with the warmth and
enthusiasm so characteristic of the person I’ve cherished all my
life. Incidentally, she can still say—and frequently does—“I
love you.”
3) When I watch my mother, so
filled with intelligent energy during her active years, suffer
in her waning years a total loss of dignity and the inability to
satisfy even her tiniest wishes, I feel helpless. When I watch
this good and warm woman who never stopped giving, living,
caring, and forgiving have to endure endless, empty days, I am
dumbfounded. I rarely talk about it because I don’t want to
depress others who knew and loved her—and there have been many.
Writing about her situation has helped me isolate the enormous
sadness and anger I experience. This has helped tremendously
with all other aspects of my life.
4) I’ve always had enormous
respect for my mother’s vision and judgment. She understood
fully how intolerable life could be for those who no longer had
control over it. She had witnessed the decline in some of those
who had gone before her. She never let this intimidate her from
living fully. She worked full time until she was 74. She never
tried to estimate the number of good years she might have left,
never bemoaned the decline of her quality of life. She live her
life the way young people do: counting on every day that comes
along to be as fulfilling as today. Mom drank her morning coffee
from a mug that said, “The older I get, the better I get.” Until
she was about 80, it was true. The written essay provides a
tangible reminder that my mother’s present situation does not
define all of her 90 years. Most of them were wonderful.
Sharon Lathrop, Ohio
2) My mother is not alive.
3) Writing this letter has been
a step in healing. I have learned that there are great feelings
associated with healing. Sometimes writing helps me to discover
what is wrong. Some emotions are more difficult than others.
4) Healing through the pain
benefits us in being kinder, stronger, and more forgiving.
Joann Pigott, Texas
2) My mother is still alive. I
did not give the letter to her.
3) You’ll be surprised what
writing something down on paper can do for you even if you never
mail it. Writing this letter reminds me daily to handle the
people in my life with extreme, delicate care. We all pass on,
but the fond memories can be embraced for a lifetime. I wish I
could undo my past hurts and pains, but I can’t. Sometimes I
wonder if I could have done anything differently. I have
concluded that if I did, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So I
have decided to use my negative experiences to make me a better
person. Besides, carrying about large vials of hurt and
unforgivingness are two bitter pills to keep swallowing every
day.
The most important thing to
remember and act on is to love, even if that person who hurt you
never returns your affection. That way, your soul will always be
free. Then you can really live.
4) Forgive so you can live
fully.
Rosemarie Stauffer, Virginia
2) My mother has passed on.
3) Death does not end a
relationship with someone. Honor them in your heart. It is very
healing to grieve.
Elissa M. Kroeger
2) My mother is still alive. I
did not give her the letter.
4) Coming to terms with one’s
past is important when trying to move into the future.
Therese Andersen, North
Carolina
2) My mother is still alive. As
far as giving her the letter . . . I haven’t decided yet. I
wouldn’t want to add to her pain.
3) I was inspired to write the
letter after seeing about Letters From the Heart Project. I have
been carrying the emotions and sentiment around with me for
years, therefore the letter itself was both very easy and very
hard for me to write. I do feel guilty for not being able to do
more for her. Depression is such a hard thing for all involved
to deal with. After completing the letter, I felt a sense of
letting go. Somehow I understood her better. I now realize that
there is nothing more I can do to help her. She has to do that
herself. You are completely right about setting boundaries and
nurturing one’s self first. As much as I love her, I can’t let
her drag me down with her. Thank you again for encouraging me to
take this important step towards healing myself.
Sheri Weinberger, Arizona
2) My mother has passed on.
4) Even though it may not seem
like it, we all do the best we can at the moment.
Amy L. Czarnecki, Utah
2) My mother is alive. I did
not give the letter to her.
3) Writing this letter took me
to a new level of peace and forgiveness. I was able to work
through some remaining issues and let go of many of emotions
that used to bring me down. I cried, which was something I
really needed to do. With the tears, emotions were released . .
. emotions that had held me down for a long time.
4) Forgiveness heals, as does
time.
Janne Boswell, Orlando
2) My mother passed away.
3) Writing the letter to my
mother gave me the opportunity to put my feelings into
Words. My mother’s death was unexpected. Thinking back, it was a
very painful period in my life. But I realized in writing this
letter that she has and always will be ‘with me.’ She is a
strong but subtle ‘light’ in everything I do. Her power was
instilled in me at birth. My very personal message to my mother
is a prayer of hope, gratitude, love, and a sense of peace.
4) It is within our Mothers
that we see ourselves. Although it may be a painful place to
go—it is a true, transparent reflection.
Karen Rippstein, New York
2) My mother passed on.
3) Writing the letter to my mom
thirteen years after her death let me reconnect with her in an
honorable way. I will always miss her. Taking the time to think
about who she was lets me keep her memory alive. My mom’s
greatest joys were her grandchildren who were in their early 20s
when she died. In particular, my two children felt they could
‘see’ their grandmother in this letter. It made them laugh and
it made them cry. They appreciated me for bringing their
grandmother back to them in such a loving way. Lisa, thank you
again for this opportunity to honor our mothers.
4) The gratitude I felt for my
mother for being who she was. I felt empowered honoring her
memory and knew if she were alive, my mom would appreciate my
letter.
Lisa M. Giroux, Colorado
2) My mother passed away.
4) When my mother died, it was
so sudden. Writing the letter allowed me to take care of
unfinished business and allowed me to express myself fully and
gratefully.
Vickie Jenkins, Oklahoma
2) I read the letter to my
mother right before she passed away.
3) I was fortunate to have a
mother who was a loving, kind Christian woman. I was able to
write a letter to her before she passed away. I held Mother’s
hand as I read the letter aloud. We shared tears of joy as fond
memories unfolded. My mother taught me to follow my dreams.
Through this one heartfelt letter, I began writing my true
feelings and sharing them with others. Today, I am an
author/publisher. Each story and article is written in hopes of
touching another person’s life. I continue to follow my dreams.
Stephanie Tiffany, Colorado
2) My mother passed away in
1995.
3) Writing this letter caused
me to realize that I had never actually grieved, and that I
loved her more deeply than I ever realized. I felt healed of
painful memories and the goodness of a daughter’s love for her
mother. I had never put a picture of my mother anywhere in my
house. Now, I feel such peace and I have her picture in the
living room and bedroom. I want her in my life, even if it is
just through her pictures. Thank you, Lisa.
4) My mother was my mother no
matter how she expressed it or lived it. I was her child. In the
end, our hands would touch as they had at my birth.
Theresa Tyma Helie, Nebraska
2) My mother passed away.
3) Writing this letter to my
mom, even though she has been in the arms of God for so many
years, gave me such a feeling of release. There are so many
things I wanted to tell her. Because she died so suddenly, that
moment in time passed with her, and I was left heartbroken and
alone. Saying to her in a letter all that I had been feeling or
needing to share with her, reminded me that there are still
people here that I am blessed to have in my life. I have been
working on getting closer to my family, my children, my friends,
although I tell them every day how much I love them. In some
way, I make sure that they know how I feel.
This letter to my mom gave me
permission to let go and let God! He gave me the gift of my mom.
He takes care of all of us. We all need to care for each other
and let the feelings be known before it is too late.
4) Always tell the people in
your life how much they mean to you. You may only have one
chance.
Sherri Goodall, Oklahoma
2) I was able to share my
letter with my mother while she was alive. She kept it framed by
her favorite chair so she could read it frequently. Each time I
would visit (we live in different states), she would ask me to
read it to her.
3) When she died, December
2003, the Rabbi gave me permission to enclose the letter in her
casket. I read it to her privately before I placed it in the
casket. I also read it at the funeral service. It was easily the
most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but when I finished, I
was enveloped in an incredible sense of peace and closure. I am
so grateful Lisa gave me the opportunity to do this. I’ve
encouraged all my friends to do the same, so they can share the
experience.
4) The process of writing the
letter and sharing it with my mother before her death and with
family and friends after her death cemented the relationship and
allowed me to experience a peaceful closure.
Judy Brand, Texas
2) My mother is no longer
alive.
4) The process of writing a
letter from the heart is therapy for the writers’ soul. Reading
the letter or not to the recipient is not an integral part of
the process.
Dr. Marisol Munoz Kiehne Ph.D.,
California
2) I gave the letter to my
mother. Originally, I did not send the letter to my mother, for
when I showed it to my sister, she thought our mother would not
be able to handle the difficult parts. When my mother finally
read the letter I wrote to her, she wrote back. In her letter,
she told me how nobody had taken the time before to see and
understand her in relation to her own mother. She also explained
to me that she had withheld expressions of affection to my
sister and me as we were growing up because she thought she
would die young, and losing her would have been harder for us
had we been closely bonded to her.
3) Writing this letter to my
mother became an important catalyst in my personal healing
process. It helped me see more clearly how far I had come thus
far, and what would be the next steps I would take. I took it to
my psychotherapist and we referred to it in our work together. I
am still moved when I read it, many months later. My sister was
also touched by it, and it stimulated a long overdue
conversation about our childhood, and her role as a mother now.
4) As a psychologist, I believe
in the utility of journaling and letter writing. As a daughter,
I know about its power.
K.A.R, Michigan
2) From the moment I started
writing my letter, I knew I had no intentions of EVER sending it
to my mother. As a result of this one decision, I found a
freedom to feel and express myself that had been buried by years
and years of fear—fear of what my mother would think.
3) Once I let go of the fear, I found myself stirring up
emotions I wasn’t always ready to deal with. I started and
stopped my letters several times. I would often write a sentence
or two, and then just sit at the computer crying for another
hour or so. Determined to be heard, I kept writing and fought
through the emotional “ick” that my letter provoked for me. As I
completed my letter, I had a sense of peace that had previously
escaped me. My situation with my mother had not changed, but my
attitude about it certainly had. I decided to quit hiding myself
from the rest of my family simply to appease my mother. I
honestly and boldly contacted family members to explain why I
hadn’t been around for the holidays. The support I received was
overwhelming. People in my entire family (aunts, uncles,
cousins, etc.) know I’m gay and everyone has expressed support
for me in one form or another. I now have a much stronger
connection with my family, my mother included.
Grapevine (anonymous), India
2) Firstly, the project is a
personal one and no one but me knows about it.
3) The letter writing did
affect me. I cried the tears that had stayed locked up inside me
all these years. I coaxed the hurt and guilt to surface and
asked God for forgiveness, even if I did not have the courage to
share the letter with Mom. I agree the best thing would have
been to rub the slate clean with Mom but it would simply rock
the boat at this stage of my life. We have a decent equation and
I prefer to adopt the policy of “let sleeping dogs lie.” As far
as she is concerned, the incident is forgotten and buried and
has no consequence now. Only, I had to lay a few demons to rest.
Writing the letter achieved that for me.
4) The healing power of words!
Sometimes a sheet of paper can be the best confessional. Even if
I don’t reveal the letter to my mom, I feel less burdened for
having written it.
Vera JiJi, New York
4) That we have to understand
the pressures women are under to be “perfect” mothers, and how,
ironically, that effort can backfire into issues of guilt and
self-doubt for the children, especially the daughters, of such
women. Most people remember the bad moves more vividly than the
good, the scoldings more than the praise, the guilt more than
the satisfaction of desire.
I bent over backwards not to
put my children under the same sense of obligation to me that I
felt toward my mother, but they are no happier for all my
efforts. Perhaps D. Winnicot put it best when he called for the
“good enough mother.” That’s what I believe we should strive to
be. It’s such a hard lesson to learn.
Julie Turgeon, Canada
2) I have not told my mother
about the letter specifically, because I want it to be a
surprise when she sees it; the way in which I am around her ever
since I wrote that letter has changed.
3) When I read the details of
the contest, I initially thought, this will be no problem, piece
of cake. However, the moment I attempted to write anything, I
began to cry. This was my mother I was writing to, not just some
pen pal, but my mother. The one who has been there my whole
life. How could I justify writing a small letter when a million
words could not express how I felt? Despite my tears, I got
through the letter, and it taught me such important lessons. It
taught me that I should never hold in my emotions, because in
the blink of an eye, something could happen, and you will never
be able to express what you want to that person.
I realized how important she is
in my life and how I could never imagine myself without her
guidance. She is my best friend. I realize just how much every
loved one means to me, and in turn have expressed my love to
them. I learned to cry because I was happy. Happy for being able
to write such a letter about the love my mother gives me every
day. How I take for granted that there are some letters out
there that will never reach mothers, because they are not there
to receive them. How lucky I am to be able to come home and
always have a warm hug and ‘I love you’ waiting for me at the
door. Being a university student and living away from home, I
know the feeling of being too far away from someone for too
long. But I know that I can count on my mother for everything I
ever need. She is always there for me. And even when she can’t
be there physically, she will be in my heart for always.
Writing this letter caused me
to have a whole new outlook on life: the importance of loving
freely and paying attention to your feelings for others, because
they are important to recognize.
4) Even if you cannot say it
aloud just yet and must write it down in words, tell your mother
how you feel. Express everything that you feel in your heart.
You will probably cry, but that is okay. That is love. Just try
it; it may feel like the hardest thing to do, but in the end, it
is the best thing you will ever do.
Anna Cline, PA
2) My mother is alive, but I
did not give the letter to her, although I did share some of the
sentiments with her with a third person present. In that time, I
saw a side of her I had not seen before: a woman who loved and
grieved for a child’s pain. It was only a small glimpse; days
later she retreated again inside her walls. But I believe that I
have gained new compassion and respect for her. I realize that
she loved us as much as I love my own children. She simply
didn’t know how to express it.
3) Writing this letter opened
my heart to be able to see my mother not only as my parent but
as a woman who came to adulthood already wounded. I realize she
did the best she could with what she had at the time. Though our
relationship is still strained, I have moved toward greater
honesty with her about who I am and have been able to let go of
my expectations of who she should be and accept who she is. I
have also been able to share parts of my letter with my sister,
who struggles with a good deal of unresolved anger toward our
mother.
4) As women, we share a
powerful connection that can’t be broken easily. It’s not ever
too late to look at each other with compassion and curiosity,
and begin to heal. Even if only one person in a relationship is
open to sharing honestly, it can make a difference.
Laura Loomis, California
2) I did not give my letter to
my mother.
3) My letter was about my
mother’s (and father’s) choice not to attend my wedding to my
female partner. Now, five years later, the possibility of legal
same-sex marriage in Massachusetts is before us. I let my mother
know that life was offering one of those rare second chances: We
plan to have another wedding on our fifth anniversary, this time
with a license. We haven’t gotten an answer yet, but my mother
began to pen up about how she’d always felt cheated and
“different” as a child because a widowed mother raised her. She
wanted to have a “traditional” family for herself and her
children. Now I understand a little better where she was coming
from, and I hope that she can do the same. I hope that she and
my father will come share our joy in Massachusetts this summer.
4) Despite all our differences,
my mother taught me the strength to be myself and choose the
life path that was right for me. Even when she was upset and I
was angry, we never rejected each other or doubted each other.
Xena Bourtasenkov, North
Carolina
2) No, I did not give my mother
the letter.
4) Stay strong; be true to
yourself. You cannot change others, only yourself. Love who you
are.
Shelley Wake, Australia
2) I mailed the letter to my
mother. I wish I could say we had some big bonding moment, but
we didn’t. She’s actually never mentioned that she got it, and
I’ve never mentioned that I sent it. I do know she read it,
though. For a while, I was disappointed about that. But after a
while, I just realized that it was just too much for her to talk
about—the same reason I had to write it in a letter and couldn’t
just say it to her.
3) After a while, I also
realized that it didn’t matter that we never talked about it.
The point was that I got to say what I wanted to say. In the
end, it wouldn’t have mattered what she said to me or what she
did in return, since I didn’t write it because I needed a
response. I wrote it because they were things I wanted her to
know. She knows them now. That’s all that matters to me, and I
feel great just knowing that she’s read it.
4) Write just because you want
to say “I love you” not because you need to hear it back.
Mary Ellen Shores, North
Carolina
2) No, I have purposely waited
until the letter was published before sharing it with her. I
felt that presenting it to her with the book that contained my
writing would help smooth out some of the frustration that has
built up in our relationship since I am a writer who has yet to
have a book published on my own.
3) Writing this letter to my
mother has made me aware of how much like my mother I have
become, and to accept this as a good thing. Taking the time to
examine my mother’s life has revealed to me a woman who has had
many struggles and enormous obstacles to overcome. Though I once
blamed her for not being the mother I thought I needed, I have
developed compassion. I have been able to look at her as a
woman, like me, trying to figure out life and making the best
decisions she can. My hope is that eventually we can become
friends.
4) The greatest gift we can
give another is the truth we carefully nurture in the depths of
our hearts.
M. Manfried, Israel
2) No, I have not given her the
letter.
3) By writing this letter,
feelings, guilt, and blame were all forced to the surface. Since
writing this letter, ambiguous emotions have been clarified,
guilt put in perspective, and blame removed by forcing myself to
step back and view our relationship objectively.
4) One cannot open one’s pen
without first opening the heart and truly examining what and who
we really are.
Fordena Griffith, Japan
2) Yes, I shared the letter
with my mother.
3) My mother and I were
estranged during the time when the letter was written. I did not
write the letter in the hopes of opening the doors of
communication between us, but that is what, in fact, happened.
For this gift of grace, I was grateful.
The Letters from the Heart
Project gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my relationship
and to experience my own feelings. My father accused me once of
holding my mom to an unreachable standard; perhaps he was right.
Is it law that all mothers must enjoy motherhood? Sometimes
children are dropped because their parents have broken fingers.
Broken dreams. But are parents, are mothers, less entitled to
their clumsiness than their wayward, disgruntled daughters?
I used to think that resolution
meant having every stray word accounted for, both words spoken
and heard. But sometimes willingness to make peace with the past
must be enough. My mother and I have a long road to travel
before healing will be complete. But that road we must travel as
individual souls too. The letterwriting process, for me and for
my relationship with my mom, was a beginning. And every great
journey must have one of those.
4) An empowering idea for me is
the importance of being honest, at least with myself. When I put
pen to page, I always attempt to tell myself the truth.
Sometimes our ideas and our understanding about situations
change, but we have to be willing to accept our feelings as they
are, moment by moment.
Anne Warren Smith, Oregon
2) No, I did not give the
letter to my mother.
3) When a friend read an early
draft of my letter, she pointed out my anger—anger that was
there because of the way my mother often reduced me to a child.
I was surprised at the depth of my anger. As I revised my
letter, I found myself slipping into my mother’s shoes. I began
to identify with the humiliation and lack of power she must feel
now that she’s less independent. My anger gradually changed to
compassion. This new emotion helps me as I spend time with
Mother today. My daughters have noticed how I respond to Mother
as she grows older. I hope that my new wisdom, this new way of
seeing my mother, will help them in their future interactions
with me.
4) Writing a letter begins a
dialogue that eventually leads to compassion and forgiveness.
Renee Casses, New York
2) I did not give the letter to
my mother. I am waiting to see the letter in print and then I
will present it to her as a surprise. I will also make and art
collage from the letter.
3) Writing this letter was an
enriching and rewarding experience. I have tried often to
integrate both my gratitude and resentment toward my mother’s
over-nurturing. Already in the process, this letter helped me to
focus on the task and use my writing to smooth out the crinkles.
I look forward to reading the collection of letters when it is
published. I hope at some point a similar collection will be
edited from women writing letters to their fathers. My own
father has been gone for eight years and I have a lot to say.
Thank you for the opportunity to write this letter.
4) As I become more like my
mother with every year, I realize that we are only who we are
because of our mother and the mothers who came before.
Judith C. Issette, Virginia
2) I did not give the letter to
my mother.
3) Mothers make the ultimate
sacrifice.
Danielle Newman, New York
2) Even though my letter to my
mom wasn’t completely sweet natured, she was very pleased that I
honored her in such a special way. In addition, I believe that
when she read the letter, that moment represented the beginning
of a new and better phase in her life.
3) My family and I were facing
the fact that my mother needed help because she was depressed. I
truly believe that writing the letter gave me the strength to
face this reality and seek a solution for her problem. Today,
she is recovering and doing very well.
4) Don’t wait for tomorrow to
recognize and honor your mother. Especially if she is going
through a rough phase in her life. I guarantee she won’t share
that with you. Try to capture and understand what she is going
through on her own and help her arrive at a solution for her
problems.
Bunso, Philippines
2) I did not give the letter to
her.
3) Writing the letter released
the pain I kept for so long. Somehow it made me realize the
reason why she is acting like that…Mom just loves me so much!
4) We sometimes forget our
mothers’ love for us because our hearts are trapped by anger,
disappointment, and fear. We sometimes forget that our parents,
especially our mothers, want the best for us. They always want
us to be protected against pain. The only key to a good
relationship with our mothers is to have time for communication.
Time to hear each others’ points of view . . . if we only have
that we don’t have to fear . . . we’ll have loyal,
understanding, and honest friendships between daughters and
mothers! We need to express our love and appreciation to all
family members while they are still living.
Nancy Arnold, Florida
4) Make amends with your mother
while you can. Your mourning will be better for it when it
happens.
Jane Summer, New York
2) My mother passed away.
3) It pared down a complicated
relationship to its most basic element—love/
4) Giving words to feelings
lends one a wonderful sense of clarity.
Maureen Hadzick, New York
2) Since my mom has passed
over, I was not blessed with the opportunity of physically
sharing my letter with her. It is, however, my strongest belief
that my letter ahs been received by her.
3) The writing of the letter
afforded me one more opportunity to remain connected with the
spirit of my mother. On the anniversary of her passing I always
include a letter to her in my journal, sharing my thoughts, my
fears, my joys, my life. This letter focused on what I would
have done differently had I had the wisdom that am now fortunate
enough to have gained. I know how short life can be, and how
quickly it can be snatched away. I never want my children to
wonder how I felt or what I would have done. I realize the
importance of leaving behind my thoughts in my journals with the
knowledge that someday my children and grandchildren will be
able to hold on to a part of me. Possibly, they will have a
better understanding of who I was and how I lived my life.
4) To readers around the world,
I would simply say: Take the time to make a cup of tea, listen
to the stories of your mothers life, share your stories, laugh
together and become women together.
Lyn Dano, Georgia
2) My mother passed away.
3) For years after my mom’s
death, I kept people at a distance—staying “closed off.” I felt
unworthy and guilty for abandoning my mother on her deathbed. I
was angry at myself and was punishing myself. The guilt festered
for years, and I became jaded, hostile, and bitter.
The writing process helped me
to say what I was feeling, feelings I tried to bury. But I
realized feelings cannot be buried. Emotions are the core of the
soul and to deny your feelings is to deny yourself. In writing
the letter to my mother, I “unburied” those feelings. I faced my
guilt, my fears of death, and fears of emotions. In asking for
forgiveness, I was able to forgive myself. Forgiveness enabled
me to free the burden that weighed my heart down. I was able to
open up and love again. In turn, I was able to complete the
grieving process for my mother and I brought closure to her
death. Today, I am not haunted by her death and am able to
remember the good memories of my mother and smile again. I am
truly grateful for the opportunity to write this letter. It
changed my life!
4) Communication bridges a gap
between people drawing them closer. People need to be
understood. Things left unsaid cause misunderstandings and build
up resentments. Letter writing allows us to be more open and
honest with our communication--a less threatening form. It
affords us the freedom to forgive and be forgiven. Forgiveness
heals the heart.
P. Argo, India
2) In spite of the best of
instructions by Lisa, I did not keep a copy of the final letter.
I did, however, read out portions of my letter I had kept as
rough notes. My mother was bowled over. I don’t think she
realized the depth of my appreciation for her until she heard it
from me in that way. I can honestly say that it marked a turning
point in my relationship with my mother. Since then, there’s
been no looking back.
3) At the time of the contest,
my mother and I had not spoken in more than four years. There
were huge walls of words not said, of good intentions but
misunderstood actions, of mischievous hearsay and blind
assumptions. But in the spring of 2004, we met, spoke, and wept.
The Japanese philosopher, Nichiren Daishonin, said that “winter
always turns to spring” and my spring had come thanks to Lisa
and her project. And oh what a spring! My mother and I have been
on the phone every second day since, thanks to the mobile phone
she gave me. There are many things I would like to do for her at
this time of her life but one step at a time. I’m enjoying the
sheer communication I took for granted when I was growing up and
then missed like hell when it was gone.
4) When one looks for things to
appreciate in a person, no matter how small and how remote, the
heart opens and finds more and more good things to remember.
When they add up, they bridge the gap we once thought was too
huge to cross.
Audrey Little, Canada
2) I did not give my letter to
my mother. After I finished the letter, I took a copy of it to
my counselor in hopes that I would get some validation of my
feelings. It ended up being a launching point for a new journey
of understanding, one that continues to this very day. I shared
the letter with only two other individuals and both were stunned
by my perceptions and feelings about the mother-daughter
relationship. In fact, I read the letter to them without telling
them who it was written to or about. Both had very different
thoughts on who it was. One believed that I was writing about my
father while the other believed I was writing about her mother.
In some ways, I guess both were correct, each managed to
identify with feelings or events in their own childhoods. The
letter opened possibility for dialogue with these individuals
and for that I am truly thankful.
3) In writing this letter, I
discovered a new brand of therapy—one that ‘gave me permission’
to explore my feelings surrounding my relationship with my
mother. The letter put me into the driver’s seat and forced me
to think what I would tell my mother about how our relationship
worked and didn’t work.
The journey was not unlike
opening up a box with layers at bubble wrap; afraid to open each
level for fear of popping the bubbles of ‘safety and security’.
It was in examining my thoughts and feelings about the
relationship that I began to understand that the relationship
was not perfect. In many ways, this was due to my inability and
unwillingness to share my thoughts with my mother. I feared
reproach, but knew that writing this letter would not endanger
anything. It simply allowed me to get a few things off my chest.
I could remember the various
events in my lifetime and begin to actually analyze how I felt
about those events. It is an incredible process that certainly
changed my life and brought awareness of how thoughts and
feelings could be buried and be the cause of the relationship to
be strengthened or destroyed.
4) This project allowed me to
discover how to own my feelings. It is the most empowering
message I took from this project. Writing this letter can take
more courage than anything you have ever done, because you are
actually putting your deepest thoughts and feelings into the
letter. I came away from this project with a knowing and
understanding of how I perceived the relationship with my mother
and how it had impacted upon my life. I encourage others to
partake in this letter writing process. The experience is truly
amazing and more empowering than would dare to dream.
Beckie A. Miller, Arizona
2) My mother passed away.
Recently, I shared my letter to Mom with one of my aunts and
uncles who eventually supported and stood by us. It helped them
to understand my motives were never to hate, but simply to do
what needed to be done.
3) Writing the letter to my mom
was a wonderfully healing process of both letting go of the
anger I felt toward her for her failings in dealing with my
father’s sexual abuse of his daughters, and for her withdrawal
from life years before her death. In writing the letter, I also
remembered my mom of long ago . . . before life’s painful events
sapped her of her joy. It allowed me to come to a greater
understanding of her emotional frailty: being a very young
married woman, having so many children so soon, her own mother’s
death at a young age and loss of support from her, dealing with
two children with Muscular Dystrophy, the abuse of her
daughters, and the death of her grandson to murder would be more
than a lot of people could handle. It does not excuse her
failures, but explains what might have led to them.
Because my mom died suddenly
and too young, I never got the chance to confront her and share
my feelings. I did not want to be angry at my mom in death as I
often felt during her life. Writing the letter allowed me not
only to forgive her but to gain a greater understanding of my
mom, and through that to understand myself better as well.
After our father was arrested
and the ensuing trial my sisters and I testified at, many of my
father’s eight siblings—our aunts and uncles—were very unhappy
we did so. It has caused a great rift in a family that preferred
the dirty secret of shame be kept a secret. It was very
difficult for my sisters to be ostracized by so many of our
family members. My sisters and I could no longer run from this
issue as our mother had for far too many years. It could not
destroy our lives as it did hers.
4) If we allow a painful and
difficult situation in our lives to continue without doing what
is right to try to prevent its continuance, the person
responsible becomes more powerful and we in turn become not just
their victim, but also a victim of our fears and ourselves. My
sisters and I are no longer victims of our father’s abuse. We
are no longer in bondage to the shame by keeping silent. We are
no longer victims, but survivors.
I would encourage any victims
of sexual abuse, no matter how recent or how long ago in their
lives, to come forward. The consequences of holding someone
accountable for what they have done, though never easy, is the
right thing to do in order to reclaim your life and stop the
offender from abusing anyone else. I have watched a great
metamorphosis in my youngest sister, Cindy. I have seen her
become emotionally stronger since the trial, her own empowerment
of reclaiming her life and becoming a survivor in every sense of
the word.
Barbara Kraft, Wisconsin
2) I did not give my letter to
my birth mother because I have never met her.
3) The experience of writing to
my birth mother, whom I have never met, was very challenging.
The only mother I have ever known is the mother who adopted me.
As I wrote the letter, I was afraid of not being loyal to her,
and yet give credit to a woman for her decision to give up her
child for another woman to raise. I began to feel qualities that
both mothers had, and the love they both had for me. Over many
years, people asked me if I would ever try to find my birth
mother so I might know who she is. I believe that I found her in
my own way by writing her this letter. People who have read the
letter were very moved, and felt that it would certainly touch
the hearts of women who had given a child up for adoption. They
felt it would give these women peace of mind and heart, in the
hope that their child was raised with the same love, care, and
values that I was. The letter might also be read by adopted
children who may see their situation in a warmer light, filled
with twice the love they already know.
While writing this letter, I never thought it would possibly
affect anyone’s life other than my birth mothers, if indeed she
ever reads it. I personally feel that my life has a new
dimension to it as a result of this project, and feel blessed
for being a child with two mothers.
4) Through this writing
Project, I found a connection to my birth mother whom I have
never known, as well as a deepening love for my adoptive mother
who raised me. I have been given the “gift of life” by my birth
mother, and the “gifts in life” by my adoptive mother. I truly
feel that I am the most blessed woman in the world because of my
life’s experience of being an adopted child.
Edith Tarbescu, New Mexico
2) My mother passed away.
3) I freed myself of the guilt
of not being for attentive to her before she got older. I was
always ‘too busy’. I learned about priorities.
Courtnea W. Smith Stark, New
York
2) My mother has passed on.
Other family members are not aware of this letter. My children
were moved by the letter and find it hard to believe I wrote it,
and even harder to believe that this is a true picture of a part
of my childhood.
3) Writing this letter to my
mother was very helpful for me since I was finally able to let
her go, knowing I could now remember her without the pain of
abandonment. I held back so much anger, pain, and resentment for
having lost her at such a young age. I never took the time to
mourn my mommy. I can now think of my mother and miss her
knowing she never had a choice of leaving or staying with me.
4) The most empowering message
for me while writing this letter was, and is, that I could
finally tell “my story” as I lived and felt it, rather than
having it interpreted by someone else. These were my words and
my feelings as only I could have felt them. Now, I can easily
express other events that have occurred in my life without fear
of someone else correcting or chastising me for my telling the
truth. I have always been afraid of being punished for telling
my story. Somehow now I don’t have that fear anymore.
Jacqueline McMahon, Canada
2) I couldn’t give my letter to
my mother because she passed away over 20 years ago.
3) I don’t think I would have
ever had reason to write such a letter if my mom had been alive
today. I haven’t shared this letter with anyone else except the
readers—not because I am ashamed of it, simply because I know
that there are people in my family who would not get what I was
saying and it would just cause unnecessary conflict.
4) The most empowering part of
participating in such a project as this is that there isn’t
anyone telling you that you’re right or wrong. The letter
writing allowed me to be able to say “out loud” exactly how I
felt about a difficult situation in my life. I had never
admitted most of the feelings that surfaced while writing this
letter. It was wonderful to be able to have my say.
I would not be worried about
anyone from my family or friends reading my letter in the book.
I’m proud of the way I coped with a difficult situation and am
ready to accept whatever someone else might feel about what I’ve
written.
I think these letters will be
very inspiring to many who might not have the courage or the
opportunity to do what we all have done. Knowing that we are
sharing our deepest feelings with others who might benefit is a
great feeling.
Lizbeth Grimm, Wisconsin
2) Yes, I did give my letter to
my mother after first getting my sister’s opinion on it. She
highly encouraged me to give it to her because she thought Mom
didn’t have any idea how I felt. She admitted being surprised as
well. I don’t know why they were surprised because my family
moved away when I was only 18. I pretty much lost out all the
closeness that sisters develop. My sisters are seven and ten
years younger than I am. In fact, I had a near death experience
because no one ever thought to tell me that they are all
allergic to sulfur. Turned out I was, too, but had to find out
the hard way.
3) My mother made a few
attempts to defend herself, but perhaps she is now more
understanding of why I feel the way I do. I don’t think we’ll
have any more periods where we stop talking as we did in
1996-1997. She still finds ways to criticize my life
choices—criticisms that others and I feel have no merit. Today,
I can more freely admit that I did choose to stay behind as
well, and the feelings of abandonment lessen because of this.
There is no changing the past,
and all things happen for a reason. Our relationship has not
changed that much since she read the letter, although I feel my
mother is more accepting of me now. I feel less inclined to
force my emotions on her. I no longer feel the need to have her
apologize for abandoning me so long ago. Our relationship will
never be perfect, but at least now I no longer dread being in
her company for fear one of us will say something wrong,
allowing the anger to surface. The anger is replaced by
acceptance.
4) We cannot change the past.
We can only understand it and move on from there.
Denise Anderson, Georgia
2) My mother is deceased.
3) Writing this letter was gut
wrenching; years of repressed feelings came to the surface. My
son was visibly moved when he read it. I didn’t share it with
anyone else in the family because it was so revealing.
4) A mother’s influence is
powerful beyond words. I regret that I did not do more when she
was alive to heal our psychic wounds.
Josette Warner, Hawaii
2) No, I have not given the
letter to her.
4) Mothers’ true gifts are
forgiveness, gentleness, and strength.
