Welcome to the Letters from the Heart Project and this reading
guide for the book Dear Mom, I’ve Always Wanted You to
Know…Daughters Share Letters from the Heart, Penguin April
2005
Author: Lisa R. Delman, MA
The journey begins with a focus on the daughter/mother
relationship, but it evolves to readers finding out about
themselves by examining their own relationships and writing down
their thoughts and feelings.
In this book, the author Lisa Delman gives her readers the
experience of reading letters that daughters actually wrote to
their mothers, and includes her insights about emotions they
express in each chapter. Lisa captures the power of the
daughter-to-mother connection and shows, in her words, “how it
shapes our lives as women as it addresses the positive effects of
resolving relationships for ourselves and others. The letters
themselves demonstrate the immense value that comes from working
through our challenges and, in essence, the intense need for the
heart-to-heart connection that bonds us intricately together.”
About This Guide
The discussion topics that follow will broaden your awareness
and reading experience of Dear Mom, I’ve Always Wanted You to
Know…Daughters Share Letters from the Heart. Please feel free to
email us with insights gained from your discussions and letter
writing.
Ground Rules
- Although you may not agree with all statements people make
in your discussion group, be sure to appreciate all viewpoints.
- Treat each other with respect.
- Nurture each other.
- Listen to the wisdom of the words they have to share.
- Most important of all—have fun!!
Suggestions
This guide is for book clubs or informal gatherings of women.
To start a group, call favorite friends or coworkers in your
community, and meet at a local bookstore or other locales you find
soothing to the soul. Drink your favorite herbal teas, have
engaging, spontaneous conversations, and simply enjoy! This is all
that’s required.
Questions and Subjects for Discussion
1. Dear Mom immediately grabs your attention as it describes
Lisa’s experience of her mother being in a coma. She states:
“Shocked by the thought of losing my mother, I grappled with these
questions: What if I were never again able to hear my mother’s
voice on the telephone? What if I had no time left to tell my
mother how I felt? How would I cope without her?” When examining
these questions, what comes to mind for you? As you’re reminded of
the impermanence of life, what aspects of that call to you the
most and how do they affect you? Share your experiences with the
group and write down your thoughts in your journal.
2. As you read about Lisa’s journey with her mother—and about
other daughter-mother experiences in the book—what insights do you
gain about yourself and your mother? As you look back on
generations of women in your family, are there certain qualities
you can identify with? Are there others that you want to let go
of?
3. When flipping through the chapters on the emotions of the
heart, review the names of each chapter. Which ones are you most
compelled to go to first and why? Which letters remind you of your
own experiences in life? What insights have you gained by
examining the emotional process from someone else?
4. In the first letter of the Gratitude chapter titled “How Much
You Mean to Me,” Shelley Ann Wake states: “My greatest fear is I
will never tell you how much you mean to me. This letter is my way
of ending the fear.” In another part of the letter, she expresses,
“I don’t know when it happened, but sometime so long ago, I grew
up and forgot to talk honestly. I can’t remember telling you that
I love you even once.” Like Shelley Ann, is there something you’d
like to express to someone before it’s too late? Are you still
holding on to an emotion that you need to let go of?
5. How do you feel when you write a letter from your heart? How
do you cope with the emotions that come up? Is there an “aha” you
uncovered by examining the emotional process from one or more of
the letter writers in this book? If so, which ones and why?
6. Two letter writers in this book struggled with the decision
to put their mothers into a nursing home. (Refer to “My
Heart-Wrenching Decision” by Judy Brand and “Forgiving Myself for
A Broken Promise” by Louise Sorkin.) What issues did these two
letters bring up for you? What considerations are important to you
if you were faced with putting a loved one in a nursing home?
7. In the chapter titled “Freedom from Anger,” Anne Warren
Smith wrote, “As I revised my letter, I found myself slipping into
my mother's shoes. I began to identify with the humiliation and
lack of power she must feel now that she’s less independent. My
anger gradually changed to compassion.” Share with others a
similar realization in your life with someone you care about. Note
your thoughts and feelings in your journal.
8. In the chapter titled “Realizing Love” the author writes,
“Our lifelong quest is to find our way back to the eternal light
from which we are born. Everything we feel and do comes out of how
we experienced this love or how we perceived its absence.” Do you
agree with this statement? Why or why not?
9. The author shares her thoughts on ways to be more expressive
emotionally in the bonus chapter “10 Ways to Open Your Heart to
Your Mother.” From your experience, what additional ways would
have a place on this list?
10. The author’s ultimate wish in writing this book is to
encourage readers to deal with unresolved emotional issues in
their lives. Even thinking beyond your relationship with your own
mother, state an unresolved emotional issue in your life and share
it with others. Also state what you will do to come to peace with
this issue. Keep track of your resolve in your journal.
